today when i woke up i felt kinda blah. i wasn’t tired, or sad, or anything, really. i just wasn’t excited about anything. i thought having some time to myself starting this afternoon would be nice and give me a chance to think about some things, and i am in a reflective mood, it just isn’t enlightening as much as it is just kinda sad. i read through my journal cus i was planning on writing down some quotes i’ve been collecting, and i saw some stuff i’d written about ben. that didn’t make me feel sad, but i just remember how much he cared about me. and what that feels like. i guess lots of people here like me, but i feel like they don’t really know me that well. maybe that’s part of it being the first year in a new place.. but i guess it’s like living every day not being sure if people are actually interested in getting to know you or if you’re just someone else that’s around. and that kinda sucks.
i’m looking through some paulo coelho quotes right now about not having expectations, living each day like it’s your first and last, and all his usual words of advice. i feel like i need a change. not like a change of scenery (except SPRING would be pretty fuckin’ nice), but something to make me appreciate things, and excite me when i wake up in the morning. things feel so mundane right now. i want something like a tattoo, something expressive, that i can talk to people about if they ask, or just look at in the mirror when i’m alone. i want to have a deep conversation with someone who isn’t trying to show off their knowledge, but is actually thinking these things and genuinely wants to know what i think about them, too. while i love it here, sometimes i feel like people are pretentious. maybe it’s got something to do with the minnesota nice, but lately i’ve been missing people that can keep it real, even when it’s not very pleasant. there’s just something refreshing about it.
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”—Bob Marley - thechocolatebrigade (via lenoctambules)
so i should be doing some reading before this workshop at 5, but i’m afraid if i don’t get this off my chest now it’ll never be said quite right.
i’m afraid that i’ll never open up to being comfortable with anyone else again. i get so discouraged at all the beginning stages of relationships, or maybe it’s just that i don’t feel like i’ve met anyone worth pushing through them for. i get so overwhelmed and then it’s like i shut down… i know it’s not the most life or death situation to be upset over but what if it’s not just a phase i’m going through? what if i think it’s just a phase or keep on thinking that whoever i’m seeing or crushing on isn’t worth the initial effort and just keep thinking, “on to the next one?” i don’t want to be like that. but i guess since i’m young it’s too early to worry about that. maybe i’ll keep saying on to the next one for a reason, til i find the right one. but for right now, it’s so frustrating to get a crush then get super overwhelmed when it seems to be going well for me. why can’t i just accept things for what they are in the moment and stop stressing about what it’s going to lead to… and why do i like the friend zone so much?!
i feel like that whole paragraph is pretty stupid so i’m just gonna talk about something substantial. i love that my friends are interested in deep things and we talk about things of actual importance.. i love that we feel like we aren’t doing enough (even though that gets us depressed) because it shows we all are here to make substantial change. i’m just proud of the people we are and i guess i’m relieve to know that there’s people out there that actually care.
also, i can’t wait til it’s officially warm. 55 degrees and people are playing outside in shorts and even some tank tops…. still a little chilly for me, but soon enough i’ll be out there with them ;)